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Watching Tennis

Two year ago, I was still playing tennis. Two little years ago, I wanted to play twice as much as I was playing at that time. Two years ago, I hurt my wrist. This was when I had to stop playing tennis. Since then, I am unable to play, simply because my wrists hurts, ten to fifteen minutes after beginning to play.

Sure, I have touched the racket and ball since then, tried to play again, but since months ago, I gave up on the idea of playing ever again. Until today.

I didn’t play today, nor did I have a racket in hand, but I watched some women play. And there, I had once again this heartache, aching to play again.
My parents don’t understand, even less my mother. Why, if I love this sport so much, did I definitely stop playing it once hurt? Why don’t I try again now? Perhaps the injury was healed? They do not understand, that each time I have a racket in hand, I fear the moment when the pain in my wrist is going to come. Each time I hit a ball, I’m asking myself, if the next one, I will put it out or in the net, because my wrist began to hurt, and I am unable to correctly hold the racket anymore. Because even if I would love to continue to play, even if it hurts, I physically can’t hold the racket. Because of the pain in my wrist, my hand loses her strength

I have to say, in the beginning, it was nerve-breaking. I stubbornly wanted to continue, no matter what. When I just injured myself, I continued training until I couldn’t even hit balls without letting my racket out of my hand. I played matches, even if after three games, I couldn’t correctly hit anymore. This was just ridiculous and stubborn, and soon after, I went in an emotional breakdown.

I didn’t show it, but stopping playing tennis really was a hit on me. For me, my tennis club was sort of a second family, and I was feeling as if I was betraying them. Or just losing them, definitely. At that time, I also went through a tough time, losing some of my friends, being mostly alone at high school. I had a lot of emotional charge, and couldn’t find anything to vent it. Before I had my tennis lessons, the tennis club, but now I lost them.

Even now, when I go to the club, occasionally, I feel like a stranger. Some recognize me, ask me how I am going, how’s college and things, they are friendly to me, recognize me, but I just feel like a stranger. I do not belong there anymore. And sometimes, it hurts. So I avoid going there a maximum, even if sometimes, I can’t avoid it…

If I saw people pay today, it wasn’t because I watched TV, but because I went to a tournament, organized by my mother. Family obligation is to help, and I had to be sort of the photograph. And, the first day, yesterday, there were people playing, but not that good, so I didn’t really pay attention…
But today, there were the finals. And, damn, they really were playing well. I enjoyed so much looking at the balls going back and forth, and suddenly, I remembered all the emotions I had while playing myself. And then, there, it hurt. Just the day before I told my mother I didn’t want to play tennis, that I had give up. But here, today, I am not sure anymore.

I already brought my tennis things out of sight. I already was searching for another sport. I already thought I was over it. But I wasn’t.

And here I am, wondering what to do. Should I try again? See if my wrist still hurts? And if it does? Should I persevere? Or should I then give up? Or should I just forget about it, right now? I don’t know. And again, all these emotions come running back. and it hurts. Again.

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Posted by on 11/03/2012 in My IRL

 

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